I haven’t played organized soccer since I was twelve years old, but I remember my coach very well. He was an extremely kind and patient man who spent a lot of time instilling the idea that, unlike ice hockey and North American football, soccer was a real gentleman’s game and that, as young gentlemen, we should always act accordingly on the field.

After watching a number of this year’s FIFA World Cup games, however, I realize that my coach, bless his heart, might have neglected to mention some important moves that an aspiring world-class soccer player needs in his arsenal. It may be that he didn’t picture any of us eventually playing Inside Left for Manchester United, or he figured we’d get properly jaded about all this later on, but I’m pretty sure he had the chops to mentor us in the finer points of the world-class game. In fact, I can almost see him now out on the pitch at a practice, surrounded by an eager squad of knee-socked munchkins.

“All right, boys, let’s look sharp! We’re playing soccer here, not taking the ball for a walk.

“Okay, let’s try Move Number One. There’s a bit of a jumble on the field and the referee blows his whistle. Get your arms out and up, open your mouth just a little, shrug, and say, ‘What? What?’

“Come on, boys, shrug like you mean it! You’ll never get a referee to believe you didn’t do anything wrong looking like that. Do that two or three times, and if you want, shake your head a few times and implore the spectators to back you up on this.

“We’ll work on that some more later. Move Number Two: pretend you’ve got control of the ball near the other team’s penalty area and a defender is rushing towards you. Wait for it, now. Ready? Fall down! Roll a few times! Good. Grab one of your legs and start writhing in pain! That’s right. Yell if you want. ‘My leg! Oh, my leg!’

“Keep that up for a good minute or two to give the referee some time to give the other player a yellow card. Put some heart into it! Do you want a free kick or don’t you?

“Let’s try Move Number Three in pairs. You’re both chasing after a loose ball and it goes out of bounds. Turn to the referee and point at the other guy. Really point! Point at him like he just stole your wallet. Come on, keep pointing! Use hand gestures to show how the ball definitely touched him last. Use both hands and get into it! Good.

“Okay, but after all that pointing, the referee still gave the free throw to the other team. Look up into the sky like you’re asking for help from a higher power. Don’t say anything, though! Don’t even mouth words. Assume that the referee is trained in lip reading and can understand at least 26 different languages.

“Okay, Move Number Four: you’re trying to get the ball away from another player. Get in really close, now. That’s it. Bump up against his shoulders a few times, but not too hard, like it’s accidental. Good.

“Now, grab his shirt and release! Quickly! Don’t hold on! Grab it again! Release! Keep grabbing and releasing. Keep thinking to yourself, ‘Oops! Oops! Oops!’ You’re just trying to keep your balance, that’s all. It’s completely beyond your control that the other player’s billowing jersey keeps ending up in your hand.

“Okay, that was a good practice, boys: really good. We’ll work on dancing after scoring next week.”