Yes, the results of the City of Cranbrook’s Deer Survey are being compiled. The Townsman/Bulletin has acquired an advance copy of preliminary results, and needless to say, those results reflect a diversity of opinion about Cranbrook’s urban deer herd.

What to do about the deer? What indeed? Many of the Cranbrook residents polled merely stared, then ambled away diffidently. Some were more forthcoming.

Jane Doe, one of the respondents, claims there is in fact no deer problem in Cranbrook, that whatever the opposite of “problem” is, that’s what we have.

“The City could go a long way towards making this situation even better by planting more cedar shrubs,” she added. “And tulips,” she added again. “And sweet, sweet apples, the kind that just appear on the ground,” she added yet again.

Jane Doe 2 says that Cranbrook is a great place to have kids. “I’m going to have even more kids,” she said, “because Cranbrook is such a great place to have them. But I’ve never seen so many coyotes. Coyotes that come in all sizes, shapes and colours. If the people in charge of the coyotes aren’t going to do something about all these coyotes, we’re going to have to take the law into our own, er, hands.”

Buck Rogers only gave this mysterious reply to the survey questions: “One: Eat. Two: Don’t get eaten. Three: Dominate.

“That younger guy is really getting under my skin,” Buck added. “I think I’m going to go over there and take him out.”

“Salt the roads in summer,” said Gary Hart. “Salt — that’s good stuff. And what’s with all these fences?”

Jane Doe 3 also had things to say about the roads. “These smooth, shiny black roads are a disgrace to the city. They should rip up all that black stuff and replace it with gravel, rocks, dirt and grass. And especially, they should ban these metal things that whiz up and down your so-called ‘roads.’”

Jane Doe 3 continued, waxing passionate: “These metal things that whiz up and down, they’re a hazard. You should do a survey on these metal things that whiz up and down. I say a cull is the only answer. You could melt the metal down to make skyscrapers for the poor, or big racks for holding hay in winter.”

Jane Doe 4 ambled over to discuss the metal things that whiz up and down. “A cull won’t work,” she said. “They’ll just come back again, like they did in Kimberley. You either have to sterilize the metal things that whiz up and down, or transport them far away.”

Jane Doe 2 came over. “All these coyotes, they make me go crazy. They should transport all the coyotes running around this town ...” but Jane Doe 4 chased her away.

Jane Doe 5 said what was great about Cranbrook was the amenities. “We’re amenities migrants,” she said. “Good schools. Lots of cedar shrubs, tulips, and those delicious pansies are great. None of those annoying cougars, or pesky people with guns.

“I’m never going back,” she said. “Never going back to, er, wherever that was.”

Jane Does 3, 4 and 5 ambled away to where Buck Rogers was fighting Gary Hart. There were some cedar shrubs nearby. Jane Doe 2 ambled back, her kids in tow. “All these coyotes make me go foot-stomping crazy,” she said. “But all the cougars around town are quite civilized, and a nice polite size.”

Jane Doe (1) ambled over with more to say. “Tell that Coulter to get up on his hind legs and take that damn fence down,” she said. “I want to eat the sweet, sweet apples that appear on the ground. And tell him to water his lawn more. I want to lie on soft, green grass, not that brown prickly stuff he’s got going on.

“And spell my name right,” she added.