The new Canadian “voluntary” long-form census arrived at my door the other day, and I straight away sat down to fill it out.

I’m not one to shirk my civic duty just because I can. Statistics are important. The finer we can parse our collective lives the better, and through statistics we can parse ourselves down to the molecular level. Parse on, say I.

“Important notice,” the form started off. “To complete this new voluntary census, please travel to the village of your birth, preferably by beast of burden, where you will be duly counted and your information taken by a Roman subaltern.”

“This sounds strangely familiar,” I said to myself, “even though in all the censuses I’ve ever taken part in — and I take part in them all voluntarily — I’ve never had to travel back to the village of my birth.

“This will be a tough sell amongst the populace,” I said to myself again. “But like I said to myself before, I partake in censuses voluntarily, seeing the greater importance for the nation. Hail, Caesar.”

I was born in Dodsland, Saskatchewan. That’s an awful long way to travel voluntarily by beast of burden so I set off to Nelson, just over the mountains. In due course I arrived, and presented myself to the census taker.

“Name?”

“Dan Mills,” I said. “Born in Nelson; here I am.”

“Current address?” I’d forgotten to look this up. “It’s out in the country,” I answered. “It doesn’t really have an address.”

“Married?” “Yes.”

“Children.” “Yes.”

“How many?” “One — I mean two.”

“How many share your residence?”

I was stuck for a moment. Dan has some llamas, but I wasn’t sure if they shared the residence. I included them in my answer, just to be sure.

“Pets?” I’d already counted the llamas. Wasn’t there a dog or two?

“Religion?”

“Whatever Caesar’s is — I mean the Prime Minister’s, that’s me too,” I answered.

“Do you feel a minority government is good for the country?” the census taker asked. “Don’t you feel that accumulation of power in the office of the prime minister is ultimately beneficial to the nation? When there is something really good on TV, wouldn’t shutting down parliament for an indefinite period be a great enhancement for quality of life? Shouldn’t the media only speak when spoken to? Crime is bad — isn’t getting really tough on it a sign of great leadership?”

“Gangs of youth are always walking through my downtown neighbourhood and breaking into my car,” I answered. “I really ought to start locking it.”

“I thought you lived in the country,” the census taker said.

“Perhaps,” I answered carefully, “this new census will reveal that Cranbrook is the most rapidly expanding community in Canada.”

“Did you know it is a federal offense to give false information to the census?” the census taker said. “That false impersonation can be punishable by a period of incarceration?”

“I did not know that,” I said, “but I understand that ignorance of the law is a perfect excuse — not that I’m impersonating anyone except Dan Mills — I mean, born in Nelson …” Here I trailed off, and pointed at something outside the window. “Look at that!”

“Do you have some identification?” the census taker said.

“I left it out in the car — I mean with my beast of burden,” I said. “I’ll just go get it. Back in a moment.”

I fled Nelson as fast as my beast of burden could carry me. “I tried to do my civic duty to the best of my ability,” I said to myself. “They can’t blame me if the statistics are skewed.”

Barry Coulter is the editor of the Cranbrook Daily Townsman. In reality he has never impersonated anyone, nor knows how to ride any beast of burden.